I want to start writing again

I've been in a state of confusion these past weeks. 

I don't feel good about myself. 

I lose my self-confidence. 

And most importantly, I'm lost for words.

Can you imagine? 

I'm 

losing 

words!

That's the last thing in this world that I want to lose. 

Yet I lost it. 

I couldn't seem to find my muse in writing.

And to me, that's the scariest thing. 

You lose something without even knowing why. 

Without even knowing how.

I'm lost for words.

I'm not used to being this. 

I like to think that I always have the right words, at least for myself.

I don't even know how to speak to myself anymore.

I looked in the mirror and 

I said nothing.

I saw my reflection in the mirror but 

I said nothing.

I tried to think for myself still

 I said nothing.

Nothing.

Still...

Nothing.

...

Yup, that's the word.

Nothing, it is.

I guess it's time for me to befriend the word.

Get to know Nothing.

Talk to Nothing.

Think of Nothing.

Look deeply into Nothing.

Until I fall in love, with Nothing.

Then who goddamn knows?

I might marry Nothing.

I might have newborn words with Nothing.

We might name it Something.

Or Anything.

Or even Everything.

So, cheers to the infinite possibilities!

I think I'll be doing fine with Nothing.

I think we'll make a good team.

It's an official collaboration, folks,

called,

"The wordplay of Nothing and I"

Where I'll start writing

to find myself again.

Where I found Nothing,

out of thin air.

Out of nothing.

Believe

Believe it or not, 

when you let the words out.

Things are getting better.

To feel content.

"What more could you possibly ask for?" said my boyfriend as he smiled at my grumpy face. I hate that time can move so fast when I'm with him. I'd never be ready to wave him another goodbye and wait until I see him again next week(s).

We went out twice this week. It's rare because we usually only had Saturday. Now we had the entire weekend. Though, I still feel we haven't got enough time together. Problem is, we know there will never be enough time.

I feel safe with him. And I crave for more time together. "What more could I possibly ask for?" said I. "Time. It's always time," I mumbled. He turned to me and said, "Can't you see? We're lucky. For the first time in a while we had Saturday and Sunday. It's more than any other couple could have amidst this pandemic."

He's right. He can be so content most of the time. It's one of his qualities that I value. When he said we're lucky, it moved me. 'Cause yes, we are. And I feel so lucky that I still can spend my time with him. By physically be with him is more than anything in this tragic time. What more could I ask for?

I don't know. I'd be selfish if I'd still demand some more time. While we can't have it all, we can try to seize what we have in hands. As long as I still have him around, it's more than enough. At least for now. I am both lucky and loved. 

And it should be enough. 

I couldn't ask for more.

I shouldn't ask for more.

To Anyone Reading This

You have no idea.
How happy I am to know that you are still posting
those silly tweets,
or broadcast messages,
or crazy selfies.

You have no idea.
How happy I am to see
the expressions you make
while calling your loved ones,
three times a day,
laughing at every jokes
they're telling you.

You have no idea.
How happy I am to hear
your voice in all those stories
you post on your Instagram,
or your singing voice,
covering the song you like.

You just have no idea.
How happy I am
that you exist.

And if ever comes the day,
that one crazy shitty day,
where you just want to stop living,
where you just can't go on anymore,
that will be the day I'll lose myself too.

Please, stay alive.
Stay for those who cares about you.
I, love you.
We, love you.

life is funny

I'm saying this because
I think it is so easy for life to
provide good things 
and then let us enjoy
it looks so happy in a short period of time
and at the most unexpected moment

when you're very carefree 

you're very cheerful

suddenly God takes something away from you

you know it's

just a little amount

but you feel like 

it's the whole world

and then you count 

the days back then

precisely before it happens

and you can't believe

how close it is

for you to 

lose it all

like in a snap of a finger
like it's on the back of the hand 

it feels like
everything's gone
you really want to prove that it's wrong
but for some time you feel like everything is
taken away from you
you feel like "you're such a crybaby"
for feeling such things
because you didn't understand
you didn't understand why
but life didn't wanna know why
it keeps moving
the clock keeps ticking
it keeps moving forward
there's no undo even though it's a great feeling
you can't go back to how it felt
and when it's a sad feeling
and you just want to go on
you can't
it's like time is punishing you

"you should feel this
you should feel the sorrow
you should grief
until then you can move on"

it's just not fair
and life is so funny
and you just wished
everything would be back to normal
you don't know how
you don't know what will the future holds
thus in your mind you can only think
of all the bad things that will happen
again
because this might not be the one
perhaps this will be the first one
and there will be next

you know you can't hold on to that thought
because it hasn't happened yet
but deep down you know it will

and you're not prepared
you're not prepared for that to head on you
you're not prepared on how it feels 
because you only think
what matters to you right now is
you want things to get back to the way it used to be
but sadly you can't

what is the point anyway?
why do you feel so much?